Lake Geneva..

"All I want to do is paint".. said Samantha as her mother was buying her new point shoes for ballet. "You'll do what I want you to do" said her mother. This wasn't the first time Sam was pushed into doing something she didn't want to do. Her father does the same thing, only it's lacrosse. Sam's father played lacrosse in college and wanted his daughter to follow in his foot steps. Not once did her parents ever listen to what Sam truly wanted to do.. Paint. There was no escape from her parents high expectations, until in the summer when Sam and her parents traveled to Switzerland to their cabin by Geneva Lake. At the crack of dawn Sam would rush out to her parents dock, sit and look into the lake; staring at her reflection. This is the one place where she could escape her insecurities, this was the only place where she could paint without her parents yelling at her to go to dance practice, or to lacrosse try-outs. Until one day Sam collapsed near the lake. She was taken to the hospital immediately, then her parents recieved the news they weren't expecting. " I am very sorry to tell you this but you're daughter has Leukemia.. we will need to start her on kemo therapy right away. We will do whatever it takes to help her, but this is a terminal cancer. I am very sorry" It was as if a ton of bricks fell onto Sam's parents. They never thought that anything would happen to their little girl. After hearing of their daughters health they added an art studio right next to Lake Geneva where Sam could do all of the painting she wanted. Never in her whole life had Sam been this happy, for once in her life her parents embraced her artistic talent and looked at all of her paintings. Sam went on to paint many more fascinating pictures, until a year later Sam's health declined rapidly and passed away. Her parents were selling their cabin, it was the last place they had been with their only child and the memories it brought was too much. One day as sam's mother was cleaning the art studio she had made for her daughter she found Sam's very last painting. It was a self portrait of Sam staring at her reflection in the lake. Her mother fell to the ground, overwhelmed with misery and sorrow. Never had she ever even contemplating out living her own child. She wished for years to trade her daughters place. Every night she said the same prayer " please God.. take me, she was just a little girl.." The same prayer was said every night for three years, until Sam's father had a surprise for his misery struck wife. " I lost a child too, I lost my only born and my baby. I wish she was here to dear, but instead of dwelling on Sam's death, we need to celebrate her life." said sam's father. " I have a little surprise for you.." Sam's father led his wife to the only empty room in their house, he had turned this spare bedroom into an art room, where he had hung all of Sam's paintings and portraits. " This is what I want to come to whenever I'm having one of those days where losing my only daughter is the only thing I think about" said Sam's father. " There is never a second that goes by where I don't think about her, I am always thinking about her. We need to celebrate her life" "Okay.." said Sam's mother. " I know the best way to" Sam's parents started a charity to help kids who had been diagnosed with Leukemia along with other terminal cancers. " Every kid should live their dream, to do whatever their passion is, to be who they were born to be. And finally, to lead a legacy." Sam's parents traveled the world speaking at conferences, always saying the same speech. " Every year since our daughter Sam was born we traveled to our cabin on the edge of Lake Geneva in Switzerland.. This was also the last place we ever saw and held our little girl. We always pushed her to do what we wanted her to do. Not thinking about what she really wanted to do, until Sam was diagnosed Leukemia. That was the worst day of our life. We learned from Sam just how precious life is and it isn't very long. You need to live your dream and your passion. Never did we ever think of out living our only child. But things happen for a reason, we love to feel pain, and we try to only fail. But it is never too late to correct mistakes you've made, there is always time for forgiveness, but the first step in forgiving, is forgiving yourself.."

Some Days

Some days I feel weak at the knees. Other days, full of strength. Then there are those days where I don't know if i'm weak or strong. I lose motivation to move. I lose all patience and respect to myself. Somedays I love myself. I run, go out with friends, and spend time with a loved one. Somedays i'm me, other days I'm someone else

Masks

The mask I wear would be a mask of happiness, and completeness. I put on this happy face to hide how I truly feel. I don't like showing every emotion to people, especially depression. I like this mask becasue it helps me deal with my problems alone rather than have everyone trying to help. The only thing I don't like about this mask is that everyone thinks i'm okay when really sometimes, I just want to be heard.

Happiness

It's right outside my window. I want nothing more but to feel the absolute happiness I felt when you were still here. Now you're gone, and I never thought it would be this hard, but it is. Happiness seems so close yet so far away. Everything that i've always wanted, is just out of reach. Just to pass time, I pretend everything is okay, i'm happy, and you're still here. Maybe one day i'll wake up from this delusional state but until then, I'm going to stay in this world where everything seems to be okay.

Some of The Worlds Transactions Brittney Rowley has missed due to her death of April 25, 2007

Birthdays, Family parties, Christmas's, trips to Bear Lake. I'll Be Missing You, Everythings an Illusion. Nothing seems real anymore. Loved too deeply a scar now covers my heart. My sweet sixteen. Watching your nieces grow up. Love remains the same. Enjoying the fresh air. Inhaling and exhaling in deep and total serenity. the ongoing war in Iraq. The tsunami in Japan that wiped out a nuclear waste factory. I don't feel real. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives. Family vacations. New games to play. The feeling of sand between your toes. Sunsets, and sun rises. The undescribable feeling you get when you met the one you've been waiting for. Second chances. Changing your mistakes you've made in the past. Being there for me when my friend passed away. Going to Utah utes games. Tailgating. Girls night out. Jumping off of waterfalls. The resession of the economy. Your niece finally finding happiness and peace. You're everywhere to me. There's no one like you. Watching your mother heal since your death. The civil wars in Libya. The death of Saddam Hussein. The troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq. The ongoing fear of terrorism. Innocent people killed. Little boys and little girls robbed of their childhood. The death of Whitney Housten. The death of Michael Jackson. Softball tournaments. Water skiing. Wake boarding. You lived 10,165 days. Your kindred spirit Robin overcoming her insecurities. Life is a precious thing that many people take for granted. You are in peoples thoughts every second of everyday. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe. “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."Roasting marshmellows, hot dogs. Experiencing new food choices. "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Marriage of Prince William of Wales and Princess Kate. Walking along the Vegas strip. Seeing each other at every family party. I wish you were here. Save me a seat. “If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”

Empty Promises..

Everyday he says the same thing over and over again. “ I promise... I'll be home tonight.” And yet I still believe him every time. I would consider myself a great fool for believing anything that comes out of his mouth. Now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be. All that is there is empty promises. I can face all of the facts, and yet I still believe him. I can breakdown all I want but I will always believe every word that comes out of his mouth. How could you still have complete trust in someone who always lets you down. I pray everyday for someone to come and save my life, but all of these empty promises occupy my mind and some how talk me into staying. I suppose for now this misery will have to suffice.