Withdrawn

There is always a reason, to feel not good enough. This began just as i was withdrawn from everyones lives that i hold dearest to me heart. What went wrong? I couldn't bring myself to get an answer. Because either i knew the reason deep down, or i didnt care to know. Either way, i am still all lone. In my own thoughts, overthinking things that shouldnt have been set up for me to over think in the first place. Being alone is what i do best. Because that way, i can't ever feel the same pain i felt when you went away. I stand alone now, because i am the only person who i can trust. This way, i won't be set up for heart ache. It has all gone away. I am withdrawn feom the lives of those i held dearest to my heart. I guess what they say is true; there's always a reason, to feel not good enough.

Ghosts

Nothing is ever as it seems.

I think I see another person, but it was just a ghost.

Let alone, in a dark place, with hopeless written on my face, is what you left me with.

Now it’s as people only see a ghost; as if they can see through me.

There are ghosts; all around me. These things see through my transparency.

They see that I too, had been left with nothing left.

No matter which way I stay or go you’re always there.

Like a ghost, I am haunted by you.

Everywhere I turn, you’re there.

There are ghosts; all around me. These things see through my transparency.

To be alone is the one thing I long for.

I made the mistake of going with a ghost, now all I can do is hope they won’t insist.

There are ghosts; all around me. These things see through my transparency.

These dark shadows all circled around me, more and more ever minute.

Closing in on my broken veil; they see that and want in.

There is nothing to do but sit, and hope they won’t insist.

In Your Eyes

In your eyes, is where I caught myself falling for you.
The look in your eyes whenever I catch you looking over at me, always brings me to my knees.
You're laugh, your smile, everything about you is worth falling over.
And while I thought it was impossible for you to feel the same way, I found that just by looking into my eyes, you fell too.
Everyday until I met you, I was going to give up on love, but right when you looked at me, I knew immediately, that I just needed to look harder, and well. It makes sense now.

Space Between Us

All this space around me closes in, whenever I'm around you.
Just one look, just one acknowledgment of my prescience, then I'd be satisfied.
I don't think you realize just how amazing you really are. How every imperfection you have seems to be perfect. Instead of knowing these things, tears take their toll upon you, leaving you feeling alone in this world. But trust me, if you take my hand and come with me along the one, I promise nothing bad will ever come to you, I won't let you feel alone ever again. The only thing that you will need to do first, is realize that I am closer to you than what you think.

Wading

Wading in still water, is like waiting for love.
You're not going anywhere, unless you move.
Setting yourself up can be scary, its a 50/50 chance that you'll find love, or get your heart broken.
But its the thrill that fuels your drive to keep you wanting to know who and when you just might fall for.
You did this from paddling in that still water you've grown accustomed to wade in.
You finally took the greatest risk of all; moving.

Big Leap

Standing next to the edge is quite thrilled seeking.
Looking down, it doesn't seem so far down.
Just one leap that's all it will take, to get you out of my mind.
This leap will end what I thought was life.
This one big leap, will save me from myself
I jumped. And the first thing that popped in my head, was you.

Limits

Falling, it’s a part of life
                   
       
                Every day, we fall, from disappointment

       
                                    Fall from guilt




                Then we stand up, and rid ourselves from our flaws.



We overcome our insecurities.

These Walls

These walls are the only thing keeping me from you.
I can feel it, and I know you feel it too.
The connection between us is unavoidable.
so let's not waste time. Lets get to the chase.
I'll be the cat, you be the mouse.
I could run to you forever.
There is nothing I have ever wanted more in my life.
So keep running, I will follow you where ever you go.
You and me. That's as simple as it gets.

This Place

This is our secret place, our hide away.
Here, I can't see you, but I can feel you.
You were here 10, 165 days.
I got to spend the last 730 days with you.
This is our place. The one place where I can talk to you.
This place where I can tell you how sorry I am for all I put you through.
Maybe one day, I could learn to forgive myself. As I hope you have forgiven me.
Until then, I will always be visiting this place, where we laid you to rest.

My Apology

If you could only see what I see looking through the glass,
Then you'd understand. Why I feel this way about you.
Bittersweet happiness is the richest kind.
The feeling of jealousy is nothing more than a feeling of guilt.
Because, you regret everything you had said and done to make them leave.
If you could only see, how much I truly care. Then maybe you'd come back.

The Secret

Behind these thin walls, is a secret. Hidden deep in the thin brick layers. Coated with a special paint to better protect this one secret. This is the only secret I have been trying to reveal my whole life. Maybe one day I will reveal this secret. The secret in telling me who I really am. The real me.

This Feeling

Complete and utter happiness. This is the feeling I get whenever I see you or hear your voice.
This feeling I get is indescribable. All I know about this feeling is that I never want it to go away.
I always want it to stay. It's like my own personal high. I never want it to end. So I'll continue have this feeling. Until the day comes, where you'll leave me once more, leaving me behind with a heart full of hate and a head full of regret.

Saved

These days, I spend most of them watching the rain fall from the sky.
These days, I conquer a fear I've had since i was little.
These days, I have began to love again.
Because of you, I have been saved.
I am no longer watching the rain fall down.
No, these days, I'm dancing in the rain.

Empty Space

The space between us is unbearable.
Nothing has ever torn us apart until this.
No more trust left in my soul.
I guess I was right, nothing will ever turn out.
How much longer must I wait?
My patience is running out, there is nothing that can be done.
Whats done is done. What's been said is said.
Now there is nothing left to do.

With You

When I'm with you, its as if nothing else in the world matters, but you and me. When i'm with you, time stands still so we can cherish the memory we're making. When I'm with you i lose all control, I can be who I want with you. Nothing else matters but you and I. When I see you, all that comes to mind is, I'm with you. Never felt like this before, I must have done something right to have been given the most fearful, nervous, and most incredible gift in the world. I get to spend the rest of my life with you.

Pretend

While sitting here underneath the stars, do you think we can pretend for just a little while that i'm the only one on your mind? Walking down the street with your hand in mine, lets pretend nothing else matters but this moment in time. As I walk alone in the hallways, I'll pretend your with me. As I walk down the aisle where you'll meet me, I'll pretend everything was alright. While I visit your grave, I'll pretend that you weren't taken from me. You were just temporarily taken. Until the day we meet again, in my heart is where i'll keep you.

Closer To You

Through thick and thin.
Shallow and deep.
You’ve always been there.
With your smart remarks
and flirtatious charm.
You have always been there.
Everyday im with you.
it brings me closer to you.
And brings you closer to my heart.

Dreams

What I look forward to every day is sleep. Then I can dream. Dream that all is right with the world, and you were real. In the place everything seems to be right. There is no fear, and no broken hearts. Love was everywhere, and for once I could be me. And this me, the real me was happier than I have ever beeb. Until the time came where I had to wake up, and realize that none of that was real, all of it was a figment of my imagination. But the thing that I hated to realize, was that there was no you.

Lies on Top of Lies

Everything that comes out of your mouth is a complete lie.
Either its a little white lie. Or it’s a whopper of a lie.
All I did was put my complete and utter trust into you.
And all I got from that was lies on top of lies.
Maybe one days you’ll actually tell a truth.
Until then I don’t want anything to do with you.
But, I’m coming back only to see how you’re doing,
I may stay awhile, I may even stay a day. But all I know is that when I leave
Nothing will be real. It will all be fake, and nothing will ever matter to you than yourself.
After we leave this fake world, where you actually care. We’ll go back to the world where I am all alone, and you don’t care about me.

Keep me Close.

If ever there is a dull time in your life.
If there is ever a time where you feel all alone.
When you are kicked down and can’t get back up.
That is when I’ll show up. I will always be there.
I will always be pickin you up. Never bringing you down.
I won’t always be around, but when the day comes when I leave this earth.
Keep me in your heart, and I will never leave.  No matter what.
Forever I will remain in your heart.

Lost in a Deep Abyss

Lost in a Deep Abyss
Stuck. This is what i am. Stuck, in a life full of misery and regret.
It’s as if a tidal wave is crashing down on my chest, making it hard to breath.
Everyday the wave gets bigger, and i keep sinking deeper. i’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you.
Ever since you went away. This is the story of my life. A girl lost in a deep abyss waiting, longing for the one who started to drown her, to come back and help her resurface into the fake world where everything was right in the world, and she didn’t exist.

Lake Geneva..

"All I want to do is paint".. said Samantha as her mother was buying her new point shoes for ballet. "You'll do what I want you to do" said her mother. This wasn't the first time Sam was pushed into doing something she didn't want to do. Her father does the same thing, only it's lacrosse. Sam's father played lacrosse in college and wanted his daughter to follow in his foot steps. Not once did her parents ever listen to what Sam truly wanted to do.. Paint. There was no escape from her parents high expectations, until in the summer when Sam and her parents traveled to Switzerland to their cabin by Geneva Lake. At the crack of dawn Sam would rush out to her parents dock, sit and look into the lake; staring at her reflection. This is the one place where she could escape her insecurities, this was the only place where she could paint without her parents yelling at her to go to dance practice, or to lacrosse try-outs. Until one day Sam collapsed near the lake. She was taken to the hospital immediately, then her parents recieved the news they weren't expecting. " I am very sorry to tell you this but you're daughter has Leukemia.. we will need to start her on kemo therapy right away. We will do whatever it takes to help her, but this is a terminal cancer. I am very sorry" It was as if a ton of bricks fell onto Sam's parents. They never thought that anything would happen to their little girl. After hearing of their daughters health they added an art studio right next to Lake Geneva where Sam could do all of the painting she wanted. Never in her whole life had Sam been this happy, for once in her life her parents embraced her artistic talent and looked at all of her paintings. Sam went on to paint many more fascinating pictures, until a year later Sam's health declined rapidly and passed away. Her parents were selling their cabin, it was the last place they had been with their only child and the memories it brought was too much. One day as sam's mother was cleaning the art studio she had made for her daughter she found Sam's very last painting. It was a self portrait of Sam staring at her reflection in the lake. Her mother fell to the ground, overwhelmed with misery and sorrow. Never had she ever even contemplating out living her own child. She wished for years to trade her daughters place. Every night she said the same prayer " please God.. take me, she was just a little girl.." The same prayer was said every night for three years, until Sam's father had a surprise for his misery struck wife. " I lost a child too, I lost my only born and my baby. I wish she was here to dear, but instead of dwelling on Sam's death, we need to celebrate her life." said sam's father. " I have a little surprise for you.." Sam's father led his wife to the only empty room in their house, he had turned this spare bedroom into an art room, where he had hung all of Sam's paintings and portraits. " This is what I want to come to whenever I'm having one of those days where losing my only daughter is the only thing I think about" said Sam's father. " There is never a second that goes by where I don't think about her, I am always thinking about her. We need to celebrate her life" "Okay.." said Sam's mother. " I know the best way to" Sam's parents started a charity to help kids who had been diagnosed with Leukemia along with other terminal cancers. " Every kid should live their dream, to do whatever their passion is, to be who they were born to be. And finally, to lead a legacy." Sam's parents traveled the world speaking at conferences, always saying the same speech. " Every year since our daughter Sam was born we traveled to our cabin on the edge of Lake Geneva in Switzerland.. This was also the last place we ever saw and held our little girl. We always pushed her to do what we wanted her to do. Not thinking about what she really wanted to do, until Sam was diagnosed Leukemia. That was the worst day of our life. We learned from Sam just how precious life is and it isn't very long. You need to live your dream and your passion. Never did we ever think of out living our only child. But things happen for a reason, we love to feel pain, and we try to only fail. But it is never too late to correct mistakes you've made, there is always time for forgiveness, but the first step in forgiving, is forgiving yourself.."

Some Days

Some days I feel weak at the knees. Other days, full of strength. Then there are those days where I don't know if i'm weak or strong. I lose motivation to move. I lose all patience and respect to myself. Somedays I love myself. I run, go out with friends, and spend time with a loved one. Somedays i'm me, other days I'm someone else

Masks

The mask I wear would be a mask of happiness, and completeness. I put on this happy face to hide how I truly feel. I don't like showing every emotion to people, especially depression. I like this mask becasue it helps me deal with my problems alone rather than have everyone trying to help. The only thing I don't like about this mask is that everyone thinks i'm okay when really sometimes, I just want to be heard.

Happiness

It's right outside my window. I want nothing more but to feel the absolute happiness I felt when you were still here. Now you're gone, and I never thought it would be this hard, but it is. Happiness seems so close yet so far away. Everything that i've always wanted, is just out of reach. Just to pass time, I pretend everything is okay, i'm happy, and you're still here. Maybe one day i'll wake up from this delusional state but until then, I'm going to stay in this world where everything seems to be okay.

Some of The Worlds Transactions Brittney Rowley has missed due to her death of April 25, 2007

Birthdays, Family parties, Christmas's, trips to Bear Lake. I'll Be Missing You, Everythings an Illusion. Nothing seems real anymore. Loved too deeply a scar now covers my heart. My sweet sixteen. Watching your nieces grow up. Love remains the same. Enjoying the fresh air. Inhaling and exhaling in deep and total serenity. the ongoing war in Iraq. The tsunami in Japan that wiped out a nuclear waste factory. I don't feel real. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives. Family vacations. New games to play. The feeling of sand between your toes. Sunsets, and sun rises. The undescribable feeling you get when you met the one you've been waiting for. Second chances. Changing your mistakes you've made in the past. Being there for me when my friend passed away. Going to Utah utes games. Tailgating. Girls night out. Jumping off of waterfalls. The resession of the economy. Your niece finally finding happiness and peace. You're everywhere to me. There's no one like you. Watching your mother heal since your death. The civil wars in Libya. The death of Saddam Hussein. The troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq. The ongoing fear of terrorism. Innocent people killed. Little boys and little girls robbed of their childhood. The death of Whitney Housten. The death of Michael Jackson. Softball tournaments. Water skiing. Wake boarding. You lived 10,165 days. Your kindred spirit Robin overcoming her insecurities. Life is a precious thing that many people take for granted. You are in peoples thoughts every second of everyday. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe. “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."Roasting marshmellows, hot dogs. Experiencing new food choices. "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Marriage of Prince William of Wales and Princess Kate. Walking along the Vegas strip. Seeing each other at every family party. I wish you were here. Save me a seat. “If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”

Empty Promises..

Everyday he says the same thing over and over again. “ I promise... I'll be home tonight.” And yet I still believe him every time. I would consider myself a great fool for believing anything that comes out of his mouth. Now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be. All that is there is empty promises. I can face all of the facts, and yet I still believe him. I can breakdown all I want but I will always believe every word that comes out of his mouth. How could you still have complete trust in someone who always lets you down. I pray everyday for someone to come and save my life, but all of these empty promises occupy my mind and some how talk me into staying. I suppose for now this misery will have to suffice.

Forgotten

All day long, she sits and wonders what she did wrong. Never has he ever treated her like the way he treats her now. Like she is a pest, something he adores one day, and despises the next. He used to be her superman, but now he's like a trickster. She knows she deserves better, but yet she doesn't want to say good bye. To say good bye to the guy who taught her confidence, to the guy who doesn't have time for her.

The Greater Lover

I have been so great a loved: Rainy days

These i have loved:
Kit kats, inviting and mouth watering,
With small crisps in the middle; heart wrenching poetry; always tells a story.
Rain drops fall from the sky, falling over me and my world; the light drops falling.
Of Amber, just beginning to bloom; and many great smelling flowers;
Clouds, towering over me, covering my sky, and the sweet sense of passion.
The feeling of playing the strings of an old acoustic guitar; absolute serenity,
A fresh glass of strawberry lemonade, delicious and relaxing,
Thinking of their smile, brings joy to my heart; Sharing everything with them,
i would want nothing more; Putting complete and utter trust in them, is a scary, but worth while.
Fresh rain washing away my troubles; and the breath taking aggressive kiss,
The excitement of giving everything you have, everything you love in someones hands,
Just feeling their presence towering over me; i feel safe,
Free, and wild, living everyday to the fullest; always over thinking everything,
Their laugh is what gets me through the day; adorable.
The smell of fresh cut wood, and the pages of a new book; fascinating, and wonderful,
The sweet smell of smoke coming off of burning wood,
The relaxing smell of fresh cut grass; happiness,
About the smell of gasoline, and the fresh smell of mud...

If Marilyn Monroe Wrote Poetry..

Life, Love, and sensuality.
Glamor, fashion, insecurities.
Hollywood will pay a million dollars for a kiss,
and 50 cents for your soul.
Adventuress, quiet, independent.
Shoes, diamonds, men.
Emptiness, hopeful, admiration
Impress, blow away, adore
Kiss, touch, feel, hurt
Love, live, perform.

My name is John and..

I find peace in the wind blowing through my hair. I feel peace when I am alone. I find peace when you're by my side. As I gaze up into the sky I find complete and utter serenity. Like nothing else in this world is significant to where I am right now. The only thing running through my mind is the moment I am living in. We all have our share of problems, but we all have a hard time letting them go. The problems we face are like balloons. they fill up until they're about to explode, and then we let thim go. This is what brings us peace; letting go. We take all of our excess baggage with us, but all it does is slow us down, until we have no choice but to stop. We stop, and contemplate all of our worries, and sorrows in the world. We can stop for hours, maybe even days. This is the first step of finding peace; is confronting and realizing that our problems will follow us wherever we go. I just let my "balloon" go, the one that was filled with worries, one with regrets, and one with guilt. I let all of my balloons go so I could find peace. I have found peace, now it's your turn.